This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
