You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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