I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
