my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
