I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
