Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize