Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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