Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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