He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
