He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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