I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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