Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize