In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
