I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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