This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
even my farts smell like vagina
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
