I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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