watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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