Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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