I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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