my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
