I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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