The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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