i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize