I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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