I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
