This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
