Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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