shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
