I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
