Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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