if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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