I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize