It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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