and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
