Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
