Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
