I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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