Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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