oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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