i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
