Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
