Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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