Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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