Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
