singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
