My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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