So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
