im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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