So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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