i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
