i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
