booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
