I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
