That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
