it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
