saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
