HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
