it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
