When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
